It’s well documented that men and women are wired differently. This naturally creates opportunities for friction in a relationship, but it also creates opportunities to become a stronger couple through more effective communication.

Friends of mine shared the below video after helping lead a wedding preparation retreat, and I think it does an excellent job of addressing an issue that’s easy for guys to run into. Take a look.

The big gender difference here is that men love to fix things. Have you ever experienced this? We clearly see the problem, we just say “change this” and we move on. Meanwhile, our girlfriend/fiancé/wife only grows more frustrated.

To guys, it’s perplexing.

Finding The Real Problem
In their book For Men Only, however, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan point out that there are actually two different “problem” scenarios for a male to assess.

When a female counterpart says the car has a flat tire, that’s easy – it needs to be fixed. That’s scenario one.

But sharing an emotional problem…that’s a different scenario. Jeff and Shaunti discuss why it’s more important that the male in the relationship acknowledge how she’s feeling first. Only then can us guys find out if we need to work on a possible solution (hint: we don’t always have to).

A Quick Example
Valentine’s Day 2015: I told my wife we were going to a sushi place that didn’t take reservations. We decided on a fairly early time, thinking we’d beat the crowds and still wait an hour to an hour and a half.

On arrival, the hostess politely told us the wait was four hours….

Genius husband award, right?

We were dressed up and ready for a fun night. Now we (read: I) were back at square one.

My wife was pretty bummed. It was an emotional let-down on top of an actual problem (hunger).

The first thing I had to do was acknowledge that the situation stunk. We were both excited to go out, and now there was clearly no chance of going to any other restaurant. I couldn’t just say, “Let’s eat at xyz instead”, or, “Oh well, we’ll come back soon” and move on to finding food.

That wasn’t the point.

The point was, it was Valentine’s Day, and we were on a date. So we talked through it.

Ultimately, we came up with a solution that was fun and memorable (and delicious), so it was fine. But best of all, my wife appreciated how we worked through the let-down.

The Takeaway
Gentlemen, we have to understand that it’s not always as easy as taking out the nail. It may take patience and practice at being attentive to finding the real problem, but that’s what leaders do.

Ladies, know that we’re not trying to be hard-headed; there are just differences in how we see things.

In the end, it’s about building the best relationship possible, so both sides have to work on strengthening it.