Category: Personal Develoment

03/30/2015

Would You Like A Side Of Sass With That?

How we talk to customers, co-workers and family members sets the tone for our conversations. Personally, I would say that it gives them “permission” for how they communicate in return.

Two examples…

In my wife’s business, she sends proofs for custom address stamps and says “Just let me know if everything is correct and I will continue with production.” Almost inevitably, this leads to an excited response from the customer ending in “You may continue with production!” This phrase, in itself, isn’t a very normal thing for people to say. But she prompted it, so they reciprocate it.

In another instance, a customer failed to respond to multiple requests about the next step of a project. When the answer came, it was a pair of curt messages denying culpability. My wife’s response stayed cool-headed, explained the misunderstanding and communicated the fact that she just wanted to move forward. Not long after, the customer responded with an apology for the messages and said, “I appreciate the way you handled the situation and your response, and I’ll be sure to speak highly of your business to others.”

We run into these types of situations every day.

What goes around comes around.

The thing is, it takes self-control to bite our tongue. It takes will-power to not get dragged down into a negative conversation fueled by the heat of the moment. (And all of this is only further complicated by the non-verbals we send with email, texts, etc.)

But based on the words we choose and the tone in our voice, we can steer the way other people interact with us.

Is it easy? Definitely not. We’re human.

We get stressed.

We get tired.

We get annoyed.

We get hangry (or at least I do…).

Whether we like it or not, all of these factors can have an effect on our own communication. And if we let them control us, it gives others permission to address us in a similar manner. Things can spiral out of control pretty quickly if we’re not careful.

What we say and how we say it can either build rapport or dig ditches.

Let’s try and stay out of the dirt.

03/18/2015

My Life As A Traveling Gypsy

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my wife and I moving to Charlotte, NC. On that particular day, we found ourselves unpacking a moving truck by ourselves in a 36 degree rain/sleet mix.

Not exactly a picturesque way to start your life in a new city.

It was the third time we’d moved in less than three years, and I had become a pretty skilled at packing moving trucks. (I secretly contemplated opening my own for-hire packing service and then realized the overwhelming sound produced by packing tape guns would be too much to handle…)

But now, the last year has flown by and taught me (and reinforced) a few things I wanted to share.

So here’s my Top 10 list of things learned after a full year of living south of the Mason Dixon.

Add a little butter to the skillet before you scramble your eggs. Holy smokes! Your cholesterol will technically scold you, but it’ll also slyly slip you a note under the table saying “Thanks for living a little”.

The line “Uptown funk you up” was actually written about how difficult it would be to try and run a marathon around uptown Charlotte. In a car, it never seemed that hilly…

While “Bojangles” might sound like the name of a clown-themed amusement park, it’s actually a regional favorite for chicken and biscuits. And if they slice one of their famous said biscuits in half and put two pieces of cheddar cheese in the middle…they’ve suddenly create a whole new “cheddar biscuit” that people go crazy for.

No, I have not personally tried it.

Honestly.

Four out of five people living in Charlotte are not from Charlotte. And three of those four people are from Ohio or up-state New York. It’s mind-boggling.

America is a fascinatingly beautiful country, and there is a lot that I still need to see. Our move came pretty unexpectedly, but if it hadn’t, I’m not sure that I ever would have experienced as much of the southeast as I have. It’s breathtaking.

If you want community, you have to be willing to make community. It won’t happen on its own. It’ll take time and a few awkward social interactions (on your part and theirs), but eventually you bump into a person or two that you click with really well.

Voila.

Now you just have to make a concerted effort to hang out with them regularly and build a real friendship.

Church, old acquaintances and cooking clubs; start with those to begin building said community. You find people that share similar value systems, have been in your shoes as the “new guy” and who like food. This will eventually become the backbone of your feeling “settled” once again.

I didn’t know or do this the first time I moved, and it makes a world of difference.

Leaving old friends and family is tough business. It’ll break your heart to put physical distance between you and people you love. There’s no way of getting around it. But who ever said there was a problem with having friends all over the country?

And fortunately, number nine is on the list.

While there’s nothing like being in person with your family and friends, technology gives us zero excuse to not stay close to the ones we care about most. Between texts, snapchats, emails, shares, likes, messages, Instagram comments, secretly shared pin boards and Facetime…it’s so much easier to stay connected than ever before.

Now if I could just get my Grandma to sign up for Gmail…

In marriage, a man is supposed to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife (Gen 2:24). While moving yourself across the country has the potential to be extremely stressful and may not be the best way to go about that, it can also create the strongest relationship you’ve ever been a part of. The biggest thing I’ve been assured of and had reinforced over the last year is that I truly married my best friend.

Adventures in new places create memories you’ll never forget and opportunities to grow from unexpected situations. Both have happened for Caitlin and I, and it’s something I’ll be grateful for for the rest of our lives.

When any of us are in the middle of a difficult situation, it’s almost impossible to truly understand the “why”. I found myself asking that same question a year ago. But after having the chance to look back at the past 365 days, I can definitely find purpose in the things that have happened.

And best of all, it just means I know I’ll be ready the next time we come to a bend in the road.

03/10/2015

Let Frustrations Fuel Your Fire

For the current generation of twenty and thirty-somethings in the US, finding a job and sticking with the same company until we’re 65 isn’t the ultimate goal. While there are plenty of reasons that experts have used to come to this conclusion, one of the most talked-about is the idea that we want to both work for and support companies that have a greater purpose.

Last week, I had the opportunity to hear author Ben Arment speak. He’s written a book called “Dream Year” that is meant to help you turn your passion into your livelihood. (I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my list.)

One of the points he made during his talk that really struck me was the idea that our frustrations shouldn’t just be a source of frustration. Ben’s idea is that that frustration should actually fuel our purpose and create an opportunity for us to do work that matters.

How, you ask? Great question.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
In most instances, Ben says, when we’re frustrated with something, it’s because we believe that we can do it better.

“Why hasn’t anyone realized the fact that a widget to solve xyz in my job would make the work more efficient?”

Go make it!

“Why isn’t anyone out there helping xyz group get back on their feet so they no longer feel marginalized?”

Go start the movement!

“Why doesn’t anyone realize that if they would begin to do xyz in their life, it would give them clarity and peace of mind?”

Go spread the word!

In essence, the question becomes, why aren’t we out there making that thing, doing that cause or sharing that message better than anyone else and making it our purpose?

It’s a bold thought, but if something fires you up and consumes your thinking, why wouldn’t you want to take a stab at making it happen?

I’m Just Too…
Yes, I understand that we feel overwhelmed by the idea that we don’t know where to start, we don’t feel qualified to do something or we don’t have enough time.

If you remember our friend St. Josemaria Escrivá, he would classify all of these thoughts (read: fears) into one category. He writes, “Excuses. You’ll never lack them if you want to avoid your duties. What a lot of rationalizing! Get rid of them and do what you should.”

If there’s something consuming us that makes us feel as though we could make a positive difference in the world, I believe there’s a reason God has put that on our hearts. It might very well be our duty.

Yet we avoid that duty.

Usually with excuses.

It will absolutely mean researching how to begin, maybe furthering your training in an area of expertise and evaluating what’s really important in your daily schedule. But if it’s our passion, doesn’t that seem worth it? Let’s give some serious thought to it, explore ways to bring it to fruition and constantly weigh it against reality.

Fear loves to come up with reasons and excuses that make dreams impossible. But how will this generation (me included!) ever live a life that we feel has purpose if we’re not willing to go out a limb and take a stab at having a “Dream Year”?

Have you ever been motivated by your frustrations? Are you currently living your purpose because you sought out a way to make a difference? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

03/04/2015

One Reason It’s Hard To Be A Guy

It’s well documented that men and women are wired differently. This naturally creates opportunities for friction in a relationship, but it also creates opportunities to become a stronger couple through more effective communication.

Friends of mine shared the below video after helping lead a wedding preparation retreat, and I think it does an excellent job of addressing an issue that’s easy for guys to run into. Take a look.

The big gender difference here is that men love to fix things. Have you ever experienced this? We clearly see the problem, we just say “change this” and we move on. Meanwhile, our girlfriend/fiancé/wife only grows more frustrated.

To guys, it’s perplexing.

Finding The Real Problem
In their book For Men Only, however, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan point out that there are actually two different “problem” scenarios for a male to assess.

When a female counterpart says the car has a flat tire, that’s easy – it needs to be fixed. That’s scenario one.

But sharing an emotional problem…that’s a different scenario. Jeff and Shaunti discuss why it’s more important that the male in the relationship acknowledge how she’s feeling first. Only then can us guys find out if we need to work on a possible solution (hint: we don’t always have to).

A Quick Example
Valentine’s Day 2015: I told my wife we were going to a sushi place that didn’t take reservations. We decided on a fairly early time, thinking we’d beat the crowds and still wait an hour to an hour and a half.

On arrival, the hostess politely told us the wait was four hours….

Genius husband award, right?

We were dressed up and ready for a fun night. Now we (read: I) were back at square one.

My wife was pretty bummed. It was an emotional let-down on top of an actual problem (hunger).

The first thing I had to do was acknowledge that the situation stunk. We were both excited to go out, and now there was clearly no chance of going to any other restaurant. I couldn’t just say, “Let’s eat at xyz instead”, or, “Oh well, we’ll come back soon” and move on to finding food.

That wasn’t the point.

The point was, it was Valentine’s Day, and we were on a date. So we talked through it.

Ultimately, we came up with a solution that was fun and memorable (and delicious), so it was fine. But best of all, my wife appreciated how we worked through the let-down.

The Takeaway
Gentlemen, we have to understand that it’s not always as easy as taking out the nail. It may take patience and practice at being attentive to finding the real problem, but that’s what leaders do.

Ladies, know that we’re not trying to be hard-headed; there are just differences in how we see things.

In the end, it’s about building the best relationship possible, so both sides have to work on strengthening it.

02/18/2015

Why Lent Should Make Us Hungry

Today is Ash Wednesday, the official start of Lent in the Catholic Church. In most people’s minds, this means it’s time to give something up: candy, desserts, soda, Starbucks, etc. But what’s the point?

Getting Hungry
I recently heard a discussion on a local Christian radio station about the differences between physical hunger and spiritual hunger.

The pastor noted that with physical hunger, we begin to have a discomfort that, until satisfied, only intensifies. If we try to ignore our stomachs, there are immediate side effects: anger, sleepiness, loss of focus, etc.

It’s only after consuming food that we feel content.

Then there’s this: if we consume too much food, we actually feel sick.

With spiritual hunger, however, it’s almost the exact opposite. Things of the world (possessions, pride, prestige, etc) tend to draw our attention pretty easily. We don’t necessarily feel spiritually hungry from the get-go because we have things to fill that void. If we ignore our spiritual lives, we probably don’t notice it because we’re having so much “fun”.

Like food, it’s only after feeding ourselves spiritually that we find true contentment.

But then there’s this: once we begin pursuing God on a regular basis, we won’t be able to get enough! We’ll never be full.

And that’s the awesome part.

So…Lent?
As the article linked above states, the tree traditional pillars of Lent are prayer, fasting and almsgiving. These are a great place to start in helping to remove some of our spiritual barnacles, as my priest would say, and help us grow our hunger to know God more.

Prayer
Try reading the Bible on a daily basis with an app like Laudate, available for both iPhone and Android – it also includes a daily reflection. Or use a guided Lenten reading plan from an app like YouVersion. You could even adjust your morning routine and make time for PB&J each day.
Fasting
On Fridays during lent (and Ash Wednesday), it’s customary for Catholics to only eat two small meals and one large meal; no snacks in between. Some also choose to fast from one particular food or social network for all of Lent. It’s a way to grow self-discipline over our eating, our time and our attitudes. More than that, it should remind us of our hunger for God. When we get hungry, we can offer it up in prayer.
Almsgiving
Donating to charities (or your church) is a selfless way to help move a cause forward that is bigger than yourself. It could also take the form of sacrifice by coming from another area of your spending (i.e. maybe that daily Venti non-fat, non-whip latte with an extra shot of espresso).If you’re not in a position to be able to give monetarily, we can also give our time. Try volunteering at a local shelter or food bank. Giving of ourselves counts just as much as giving of our wallet. Volunteering is an area my wife and I have discussed multiple times and will hopefully be able to get better at during Lent.

The Goal
Our priest talked about how, at the end of Lent, we should have a greater hunger than for the Pringles we gave up for 40 days. We should have a hunger for God and a desire to know him more.

That’s my prayer for myself and all of you.

02/16/2015

Living With Okay

I was listening to Dave Ramsey’s radio show on Friday and someone called in “needing to be convinced to pay off his debt”. I thought, “Uh oh…this guy’s about to get hung up on” haha.

As the man explained his situation, he was a pharmacist, he had 20 years left on his student loan, he had a very low interest rate and was making about a $200 payment each month. It wasn’t breaking his bank but he wanted to keep the security of his cash flow instead of putting everything he had into paying off the debt. But this was his last debt to pay off and knew he also could knock it out in a year and a half if he really tried…

Dave’s response is what stuck with me.

He acknowledged that, based on his salary, this guys was doing “fine”. But he was also at a point where he should really be getting excited about knocking the debt out. Specifically, Dave said:

“It’s not like you like the payment…it’s just become tolerable. Sometimes the thing that keeps us from being excellent is not something that is ‘bad’, it’s something that is ‘okay’. And so we accept it. We tolerate it. And if you tolerate the ‘okay’, it keeps you from excellent. So don’t tolerate the ‘okay’…Can you limp along and keep it like a pet and eventually and get though it? Yeah, but that’s not the highest and best use of your life and your money.”

The thing I thought most interesting here is that if I swap out the word “payment” for anything else that has me stuck in a rut…it’s still 100% applicable.

I don’t want to strive for mediocrity.

For going with the flow.

Or the status quo.

I want to strive for the highest and best use of my life and my resources.

02/12/2015

Dream Big. Start Small.

It’s a rare duck that can start an endeavor for global domination and make it happen overnight.

Be it starting your own business or completing your first triathlon, most people don’t hire 5,000 employees on their first day or get to race the world championships in Kona on their first go.

As a result, I would propose that we mere mortals remember that it’s ok to start small.

What I Really Mean
When I decided to give triathlons a shot, I researched different distances (finding the shortest one!), bought the book “Triathlon For Dummies” and convinced a friend (my wife) to race it with me. As I began training, I could barely swim 25 meters in a pool without feeling exhausted. It was daunting.

When my wife decided to start her own business, she researched the different options to get started (finding the cheapest one!), read up on how to get an Etsy shop going and got a friend (me) to support her along the way. As she posted her first listing, she had no idea if any sales would actually come through. It was daunting.

Where To Start
I’m sure we’ve all been in a similar situation. We look at the end goal and say, “Man, I think that’s more than I can handle”.

Really, what we need to say to ourselves is, “What’s one little thing I can do to move the ball forward?”

Then go do that.

Breaking a dream up into manageable pieces gives us clarity and focus. You finish Phase 1, get to celebrate and then put Phase 2 squarely in your crosshair.

Whether it’s becoming adept at multiple sports for triathlon, understanding basic business principles to start your own endeavor, beginning a regular exercise routine, changing your spending habits or whatever – you have to learn foundational disciplines and then apply them regularly to hone your craft.

It’s Like Novocaine
What it boils down to, really, is process. Things need time to develop. We, more often than not, need to actually figure out how to get from Point A to Point G. And we do that (read: make that up) as we go.

In Remember The Titans, Coach Boone’s assistants are leery of his six-play playbook before leaving for training camp. He simply replies, “It’s like Novocaine; just give it time, it always works.”

Now I’m not saying that every dream we ever have we will work, but rather that we have to keep in mind that it takes time. Setting ourselves up for measureable successes along the way is how we keep motivated and keep a dream alive.

See It Through
For me, this all meant racing a Sprint triathlon in a pool, then a Sprint triathlon in open water, then an Olympic distance and then a half Ironman.

In my wife’s case, she started with a basic calligraphy services concept, got feedback, added products, got more feedback, added her own e-commerce site, got more feedback and now has people interested in wholesaling her work.

In each instance, there were days where we messed up, had something flop, made a mistake or didn’t meet a goal. But we learned from it, took advice and encouragement from others along the way and kept moving forward.

Step, after step, after step.

And the best part is, we’re not done yet.

Dream big.

02/03/2015

Why We Don’t Ask Questions – Pt 2

A couple of weeks ago, we discussed the notion that being told “no” creates a personal fear when asking questions and also looked at how to dispel that fear.

Today, I wanted to address a second cause that keeps us from speaking up: not listening.

Earth to Me
Do you ever find yourself in a situation and realize you completely zoned out? You know you missed something, but you’re too embarrassed to ask?

Me too.

The problem in this situation is that there’s no great way around it. I can try to piece together what I missed based on context clues, but do I really want to ask that question and look like a fool? Nope. I’m just going to keep my mouth shut, thank you very much.

Tune In. Listen Up.
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “active listening”, this is really what it takes.

I understand that meetings get long, professors can be boring and that guy that just walked by the window looked eerily similar to Lenny Kravitz…but he didn’t have a jean jacket on so that couldn’t have been him…wait, did someone just say my name? Dang it…

Personally, I find my listening skills directly conflict with my ego. As in, “I already know what she’s talking about”, so I don’t really need to listen. Or, “His jokes are so lame”, so I would have said it this way. And then, “I can’t wait to share my two cents because it’s the only thing I’ve thought about since we all sat down”, so I missed someone sharing that same opinion already.

It can become so easy to focus on “me” in social situations that active listening ceases to exist. I have to put my own agenda aside and work on giving my full attention to whoever is speaking.

Put my phone away.

Make eye contact.

Nod in agreement.

Take notes – which includes writing down questions, so I don’t focus on my question and stop listening.

Be Interested, Not Interesting.
In his book “How To Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie talks about the importance of “being interested, not interesting”.

One of the most basic elements of being human is a desire to be known. Whether that’s by one really good friend or a group of peers, we at least owe it to each other to listen. It shows that we’re interested in them, shows them respect and affirms the fact that they have self-worth.

Will we always be perfect? No, but but that gives us something to work on.

Does that mean we always have to agree with someone and bottle our own opinions? Definitely not. But as much as we want to share our own stance on a subject, so does someone else. Let that create a dialogue.

Going to Level 3
In college, I took a class on consumer marketing where the bulk of our discussion revolved around Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. One thing I’ve always remembered was the professor’s insistence on being able to ask “Level 3” questions. Meaning, ask questions that are personal and allow someone to share their expertise or a cherished memory. It’s something that has stuck with me to this day, and I try to practice it when I can. It shows that I’m interested, and you can oftentimes see a visible change in that person’s demeanor.

So if I’m honest with myself, the real reason I typically don’t ask questions is because I’m either over thinking it (Pt 1) or not actively listening. If I can work through both of those, questions should become an opportunity for personal, professional and relational growth. So let’s ask away!

01/30/2015

One Twelfth Check-In

Hard to believe, but we’re almost one twelfth of the way through 2015! How are those new year’s resolutions coming?

Research from 2014 shows that 64% of people report still being on track for their resolution after one month, which seems pretty admirable. However, only 8% of people ultimately end up achieving their goal. So I wanted to share a couple of ideas that might help us all make it into the 8% group.

Make It A Habit
While it’s commonly believed that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, a 2010 UK study found that it’s actually a little more than three times that — 66 days! This means we have to keep being patient with ourselves. Take it one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. If you’ve made it for 30 days, you’re awesome! Just know that it might take a little longer to truly internalize your new efforts. For me, that means 5:30am is still going to feel early for quite a while…

Make It Personal
Giving a goal a personal connection to my life always helps me take it more seriously. Don’t just say that you want to quit smoking – say that you want to quit smoking so you can chase your grandkids around the backyard this summer. Every time you look at a cigarette, it’ll help you remember a deeper meaning for committing to it. For me, it’s writing two blogs posts per week to be able to generate content that I hope to one day share as a public speaker. While 5:30am is rough, I’m letting my future-self down if I don’t get out of bed.

Make It Communal
Surround yourself with people that will support you and hold you accountable. Let them inspire you to keep up the good work. Last week, I took a seven day challenge to write a post every day. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but it built confidence and connected me to people that I know want to product content on a regular basis, as well. Have people on your side cheering for you!

Make It Charitable
This one might only apply to athletic events, but it’s awesome. Whether you’re training for your first 5k or an Ironman, you can raise money for a cause that matters to you using sites like Crowd Rise. Not that he isn’t motivated anyway, but a college friend of mine initially wanted to raise $10,000 for IU Dance Marathon while training for a full Ironman in memory of his sister. After about a week, he was more than 25% to his goal…so he increased it to $50,000! Not surprisingly, he exceeded that. Not only did he finish his race, he got to leave a legacy in his wake that will last well beyond him while honoring a loved one. If that isn’t motivation to keep going, I don’t what is.

Creating new habits and accomplishing goals can be tough, but they don’t have to be impossible. If new year’s resolutions have been a struggle up to now, hit the reset button and give them another go. If you’ve started feeling pulled to start something, we still have 92% of the year remaining! You can do it.

01/27/2015

Will Power For President!

I’m not much of a political guru, but headlines are already discussing who may or may not be running for office in 2016. So I would like to formally nominate, Will Power…more commonly pronounced as will-power (see what I did there?)

Over Christmas, a friend lent me a book by Saint Josémaria Escrivá. He was a Catholic priest and founded the order of Opus Dei – an organization that helps people seek holiness in and through their everyday work. His writing is thought-provoking, written in a proverb-like form, and doesn’t beat around the bush. I wanted to share one thought, in particular, with you:

“Will power. A very important quality. Don’t disregard the little things, which are really never futile or trivial. For by the constant practice of repeated self-denial in little things, with God’s grace you will increase in strength and manliness of character. In that way you’ll first become master of yourself, and then a guide and a leader: to compel, to urge, to draw others with your example and with your word and with your knowledge and with your power.”

I know it’s a little long, but it reminded me a lot of my recent post about how beliefs becoming our destiny. It starts with small steps on a regular basis.

I don’t know about you, but one of my long term goals is to help lead and guide people – be it my own family, friends, co-workers or complete strangers through this blog. To get there, though, I’ll have to first live a life with will power that earns respect. Otherwise, I’ll have no way to compel, urge or draw others through my example. But, more importantly, it will also take God’s grace…so I can’t just assume I can do it on my own.

The “little” thing I’m working on right now is going to bed by 10pm. That, consequently, allows me to wake up at 5:30am to spend 30-45 uninterrupted minutes every day working on this site of mine.

Were the first few days rough? Absolutely.

Did it strengthen my resolve to continue and energize me through the rest of the day? Oddly enough, yes.

So what little thing can you start constantly practicing to begin building your will-power? Working out for 20 minutes a day? Taking out the trash when you told your spouse you would? Being more patient with a family member or co-worker?

It could be anything, and that’s the beauty of it. It just takes one consistent effort to eventually start a snowball effect. You see the positive results of one thing you’re doing, and you’ll want it to spread to other areas of your life.